My Eyes Adored You
by Anti-Valentines O-S Contest
Summary: Entry for the Anti-Valentine Contest. Summary: "Here" Alice said thrusting a journal into my hands. "If you can't talk about it. Then write" So I did. AH


**Title: **My Eyes Adored You

**Rating: **T

**Characters: (Main characters) **Edward.

**Entry for the Anti Valentine-Day contest**

"Edward." I heard my bedroom door open before the blistering light of the sun filtered through the curtains that had been thrown back in such haste. I kept my eyes closed as I pulled the still sleeping figure closer to my side, keeping her tucked away from the harsh rays of the outside world. I felt a slight pressure on the edge of the bed as the figure sat down.

"Edward."

"Go Away." I grumbled.

"It's late, Edward."

"Your point?"

"Edward, please. I know today is hard for you…" My sister started, her hand landing on my covered hip, a once comforting gesture.

"Alice. Please," I said, pulling the comforter up as a draft drifted through the door, landing on my young daughter and making her shiver.

It was silent for a few minutes. I sighed opening my eyes and pulling myself up. My sister's eyes only displayed one emotion – worry. I don't think she ever expected to see her older brother act this way.

"I beg you. Don't say a word," I said as I ran my hand over my rough, unshaven face. I couldn't be bothered shaving. I didn't see the point nor did I have the incentive to look good for her anymore. Not that she cared for my looks, for her it was all about personality.

"You look like hell," Alice said as she surveyed my appearance. I ran my hands through my hair. I could tell it was sticking up in all directions. It always happened after such a restless night of sleep and those were becoming more frequent lately. Despite the comfort of my daughter, as she slept by my side, the bed had never felt so empty.

"Well forgive me. Things haven't exactly been easy lately," I said, sarcasm lacing my voice, as I pulled back the blankets while trying not to disturb the still sleeping figure in the bed.

I walked into the bathroom, leaving my sister and my daughter on the bed. I needed a moment's reprieve. I had only been up a few minutes and I was already exhausted. Glancing out the window and at the position of the sun, I could assume that it was late afternoon. Some would say sleeping in bed this late was such a waste of a day. Me, I call it a way of coping and today was a day that I just wanted to end.

I looked in the mirror, as much as I hated to admit it, I did look like hell. How had I let thing get this bad? I sat on the edge of the bath as my head fell into my hands. _Today, of all days, just please let me survive today, _I begged.

"Hey, Princess." I heard my sister call as the rustling of sheets meet my ears. She was up.

I stood up and walked back towards the mirror. I tried to avoid the man that was staring back at me. He looked like hell. He looked like he had been through hell. He was unrecognizable.

I sighed as I pulled my shaving kit from underneath the sink. It took me a few minutes before I was clean-shaven and decent enough for my daughter. I glanced back into the mirror as I forced a smile on my face. I didn't look any better, despite the fact that I now looked clean. My eyes no longer held any emotion; they no longer burned the green that she loved. Shoving my kit underneath the sink, I pulled the door open and walked back out into my bedroom.

"Good morning baby," I said as I walked towards the bed and scooped my two year old up and into my arms.

"Daddy!" she squealed as I smothered her with kisses. I glanced toward Alice; she sat on the bed watching us. Her eyes trained on the baby girl in my arms.

"Did you have a good sleep?" I asked as I placed her back on the bed. She nodded as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"Daddy. Hungry," she said as she crawled into Alice's lap. Alice kissed the top of her head.

"Of course you are, princess. Jasper!" Alice called loudly. I sighed, great more people. I was in no mood to entertain.

I heard footsteps as I climbed back into bed. Jasper smiled as he walked into the bedroom.

"Edward," he said nodding in my direction. I returned the gesture, not saying a word.

"How are you?"

I shrugged. I heard Jasper sigh before he turned his attention towards my baby.

"Hey cutie," he said as he picked up my daughter and tickled her. She giggled, her laughter filling the room. She was still to young to notice the forced expressions on everyone's faces, how every time she smiled and laughed it was painful reminder of her, the woman we had all loved.

"Jazz. How about you take her downstairs. She's hungry," Alice said quietly as Jasper nodded.

"How about we got get some food, cutie?" he asked. My baby nodded as both she and Jasper walked out of the room. I could hear the TV from the other room as Jasper moved around the kitchen, the sound of pans clattering around as he cooked up something.

I ran my hands through my hair as I stared out the window.

"Edward. Can we talk now?" Alice said as she stood and came to sit on the edge of the bed.

I shook my head, "Not today."

"You said that yesterday."

"Well today I have an excuse!" My tone was sharp, too sharp and I instantly regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I said but she shook her head. She stood up and walked over to my set of drawers. I watched as she pulled something out of her bag before walking back to the bed.

"If your not going to talk. Then write," she said as she forced the black leather bound journal into my hands along with a pen.

I shook my head. "Writing isn't my thing. It was hers."

"Edward..." I felt Alice's hand encase my own.

"It doesn't take a genius to write. Writing may not be your thing, but please, just try. This is not good for you Edward and it is not good for your daughter. Please try and write something, anything down. Please! " Her grip on my hand tightened, her voice strained.

"Please." she begged.

I nodded.

She gave me a smile, before rising from the bed and kissing my cheek. "I'll be downstairs. Take your time."

My eyes were trained on the journal, yet I heard my bedroom door close with a soft snap. I ran my hands over the cover; it was smooth, tough and new. It paled in comparison to the journal that sat on the opposite bedside table that looked worn, frail and stuffed with papers.

I opened the journal to the first page. She asked me to write.

So I did.

_This wasn't supposed to happen. You, me, us; none of it was never to be._

_Fate; Destiny, whatever you want to call it's just a bitch. Just as quickly as it all happened it was gone. As you disappeared so did the last four years of my life._

_We had plans. We had dreams. We were supposed to grow old together and watch our grandchildren play on the front porch of our dream house. You despised the thought of growing older. Ageing was never to be mentioned in your presence. I would watch as tears formed in your eyes at the thought of my bronze hair, which you loved, fading into grey._

_You'll never see that now. Nor will you see the parts of the world we had hoped to travel to. I would give anything to watch you lay on a beach again. You in nothing more than a swimsuit, your gorgeous mahogany hair cascading down your back while the sun warmed your too pale skin. It was a thought and now it is nothing more. How can I possibly do these things without you?_

_I watched you fall asleep every night. I would watch you for seconds, minutes and hours; at times my eyes shutting of their own accord. How I adored the way you spoke my name in your sleep as a smile graced your lips._

_You were too good for me. At times I wondered what I did to deserve such a wonderful, beautiful and talented creature such as you. You gave me everything and more. You are irreplaceable._

_There are a million more things that I wish to say and a million more things I wish I could do. How I wish I could reverse and freeze time so then I could have stopped the car that sped so carelessly through a red light. Did he not know what he was taking away from this world? What he was taking away from me? Another angel must have been needed in heaven and it was decided that you were it. That's what I keep telling myself and what I will tell her._

_I'm beyond thankful for the time that we had together and what you left behind. It pains me to look at her, yet I can't look away. Her smile, her eyes, her hair - its all a painful reminder of you. She's all I have left. Eventually as time continues on and my memory begins to fade, she will be the reminder that I need to assure me that your did exist and you did love me. It will prove that you were real and not just a beautiful dream. _

_You're the reason that I survive for her. You're the reason I promised this. You're the reason that I watch her sleep at night. I'm the one who will chase away the nightmares, teach her to drive, hold her when her heart is broken and watch as she starts her only family. How do I get through this? You, the memory of you is what keeps me so strong._

_It's been weeks. Not that I have noticed. Day's turned to nights and then to weeks yet the pain is still so fresh for the both of us. She cries in the night and I hold her for hours, long after her tears have subsided and her breathing has once again evened out. Yet, her sleep is troubled. She grips my shirt, not wanting to let go and I hold her. It's all I can do to fill the void that you left behind. You're the only one, who can truly soothe her nightmares, but you're gone and I will simply have to do._

_How do I possibly tell her? How do you tell a sweet and innocent two year old that her mama isn't coming home? How do you tell a two year old that she survived because her mother died protecting her? How do you tell a two year old that for a split second after you died, I wished I had died too?_

_I can't continue to be strong on the outside when I'm broken and lifeless on the inside._

_I promised you, now you promise me. Keep her safe. Watch over her, keep her safe from the things that I cannot see. Like you were everything to me, she was everything to you. I promise to live if you promise to protect._

_I stayed inside today. I couldn't bear to be outside with the day being celebrated by the entire world. I couldn't bear it not after I had to cancel everything I had planned for you. It was too be a surprise but I guess I can tell you now. You won't be here to see it. _

_I was to whisk you away from the reality of it all. The day, the night it was to be all about us. The room was to be decorated in hundred of blood red roses, the finest champagne and chocolate covered strawberries were to be placed near the bed and the room was to overlook the wondrous lights of the city. Yet is all changed the second you didn't come home to me._

_Febuary 14 was to be our day. A symbol of all the love we shared._

_Febuary 14 is now a day I wish that I could forget. I wish that it never existed, yet I can't deny those in love the same pleasure that I felt with you. How can I deny Emmett the chance to ask Rosalie to marry him on the most romantic day of the year? How can I deny Jasper the chance to surprise Alice with a trip to Paris tonight?_

_I suppose it get's easier…I hope it gets easier with every year that passes. This year, I wish the day would hurry and draw to a close. Watching people walk hand in hand down the street, exchange simple glances and passionate kisses is just too much. I never suspected that such simple gestures would cause me as much pain as they do._

_Our Happily Ever After is over._

The last few lines were a blur as something wet was making them all smudged. I could feel the wetness of my cheeks and only then did I realise, I was crying.

I threw the journal onto the bed as I leaned back against the pillows. So much emotion, so much pain, so much heartache. If I knew it was too be like this, I would never have fallen in love to the most indescribable woman that I had ever met.

I wiped my hand over my face, brushing the tears away. She was my world, my everything and just like that it was all gone.

I collapsed into a heap on the pillows as I glanced towards her bedside table. A single picture frame stood supporting a photo of her and I. Our wedding day, our fairytale, she had never looked more beautiful than she did on that very day. The picture showed us encased in each other's arms, her favourite crooked smile plastered on my face.

I could feel tears seeping from my eyes as I reached over and grabbed the frame. Holding in my hands I stroked her face. Her skin was so smooth; I remembered the touch of it under my hands.

I flung the frame against the wall.

I heard the glass smash into a million pieces all over the floor, I heard my baby start to cry from downstairs, but all I could feel was pain.

Heart wrenching pain.

I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried for it all. My wife, my daughter, my family, myself.

A different set of arms encased me and pulled me close. These were not the arms I craved, but the arms of my sister.

I sobbed into her embrace. She didn't speak. She didn't judge. She didn't scold. She just let me be.

"Why?" I cried. "Why did you have to get me to do that? It hurts so much! Why would you make me do something like that Alice?"

I looked up and noticed that she was crying, she cupped my face in her hands as she held me.

"Because of this Edward," she said as she wiped away the tears from my cheek.

"It's been weeks and you hadn't cried, you hadn't screamed. You didn't react. You became a shadow."

More tears feel from my eyes as she continued, "You kept all this emotion pent up. You were trying to be strong and you have been, but now it's time you grieve. She would not want you treating yourself like this!" Alice cried.

I pulled back, her hands feel onto her lap as she let go of my face. "She's gone! What am I supposed to do? If it wasn't for my baby downstairs I would have been dead by now."

Her eyes widened in shock. "Edward…"

"I can't live in a world were she doesn't exist! She was everything to me! She was my wife! She was my best friend! I can't breath without her, Alice!" I cried.

My head fell into her lap as she ran her hands through my hair. She let me sob for a few minuted more before I heard the bedroom door open.

There was a quiet exchange before I felt another figure on the bed.

"Daddy?"

I sniffled loudly as I tried to wipe away the tears. I raised my head and was instantly met with a pair of large brown eyes.

"Yeah, baby," I said as she crawled into my lap. Her tiny hand went to my cheek and she noticed the wetness.

"Why cry?" she asked, as her hand clung to my shirt.

"Sweetie…" Alice started. She was still by my side on the bed. Jasper had once again left the room.

"Daddy's sad, baby," I said as I hugged her close to my body. She gripped my shirt tightly. "Daddy's sad because he misses mama."

The last part came out in a whisper. I was surprised I could say it at all.

I wondered if I was scaring her. I was her father. I wasn't supposed to act this way. I was supposed to be the strong figure in her life. I was to be the one comforting her yet she was comforting me. An innocent two year old, who at times over the last few weeks I couldn't bear to look at. The resemblance between her and her mother was so strong, that at times I felt like I was looking into the eyes of my wife again.

I pulled her close, as I smoothed her hair.

"It's ok, baby. Daddy will be ok." I whispered as I rocked her back and forth. I looked towards my sister and noticed the tears slipping down her cheeks. She gave me a small smile.

_Thank__ you,_ I mouthed. She simply nodded before she rose from the bed and left the room.

She was right. Time had passed. We needed to move on. I may not have my happily ever after any more but my daughter did. She had her whole future to look forward too.

I continued to rock her back and forth, humming her mother's lullaby as I went.

I hoped I was enough. I hoped that I could fill the place that her mother left behind. There would be no one else. I gave my whole heart to her and she would continue to hold it until we met again.

"Happy Valentines Day, Bella."


End file.
